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Joker Says #3

TBU Joker Says

Editor’s Note: The following article is meant to be a take on how the Joker would react to the real world outside of the DC Universe and to current events. The article is also darker because it is in fact coming from the perspective of one of the darkest characters in The Batman Universe. Viewer discretion is advised.

Greeting Bat-babies it is your dear old uncle J here.

I think Queen said it best when they sang “another one bites the dust. And another one down, and another one down. Another one bites the dust.” That reminds me I must send a congratulations card to Talia for eliminating another Bird-boy. I believe that makes us… 2-1 in the bat elimination score. Well I did nearly kill Batman once. Although, maybe I will take marks off for how she did it. Getting that big clone do it?!? Ugh! Where was the artistry, the skill, the thrill of the pursuit and the act? Getting someone else do to it just ruins all the fun. I like the crowbar; just ask the last Robin I met hee hee. Now there is a real art to the crowbar. Forehand and then back hand and then forehand. Although, I never did find out which one hurt more. I like to think it was….both.


You can get a real feel with a crowbar. Every crack and snap of bones it is exquisite! Every sound heard, every moan and cry of pain. Oh! It is almost a symphony. Or a knife. They work well too. With a knife you can really see what someone is in those last moments. Which are cowards, who isn’t afraid to die. That is why I won’t let my dear Harley kill Batsy. Isn’t my dear?

Yes Mr J.

Course it is! He is mine and mine alone. Only I get to complete this dance! And what happens if they try without my permission?

They get thrown out of a window?

Exactly! So don’t make me do it again Harley. There is a whole art to killing a bird boy that I have perfected. Poor old Talia just does not get it at all.

Still it is not like Batsy cannot get another one. He goes through them faster than a priest. He is as bad as Madonna. He just keeps buying more of these bat-babies. And that means I have to kill them. Let’s face it they just get in the way. You would have thought by now that he would surely realize that we are meant to be together. Just him and me doing the same thing we always do. He does not need all these freaks around him at all. He should just give the money he would spend on them to America.

Let us face it you need it. $17 trillion you owe now. Just think of how many Joker bombs I could buy with $17 Trillion. That’s $53,000 per person. Personally I just think you should ask everyone for that money and be done with it. You see America’s problem is that you just keep getting in the way of us enterprising individuals. Me and old Pengy are just trying to make a honest living but Bat-brains and the police just keep getting in the way. The first thing I would do is scrap the police. Who needs them? I will tell you no one. Here I am trying to make a living and all I do is get arrested for my efforts. And it is not like you need them with all those guns lying around for shooting deer. But Joker, I here you cry, aren’t you doing illegal things? NONSENSE! I am an essential part of the economy. Just think of all those security guards out of business without me? I take the money and hire goons. Well they need to be paid. Your dear old Joker is a responsible employer. Sure the mortality rate is higher than most and you don’t get dental or health care but who needs those things really? So these goons go out and spend that money on living. This pays the wages of the small shop owner who can then go out and buy things. See we are all a part of the circle. And you people are crushing it. No one wonder you couldn’t get out of a paper bag. No thought.

Still I could always become Pope. I hear they are hiring. I have all the required attributes; I look good in silly clothes and I am great with children.

Now that I think about it I would be a great Pope. So go on get out of here. Until next month Joker fans…have a gas! Ahahahahahahahaha

Harley! Pack your bags we are going to Italy.

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